My Love Life: Explained

               According to Swann (1990), the theory of self-verification explains that people seek consistency in how they view themselves and how others view them. Swann (1990) also describes the two levels of self-verification; interpersonal and intrapersonal. Interpersonal self-verification theorizes that people do not want others to have unrealistic expectations of them, whereas intrapersonal self-verification theorizes that people feel worse if others perceive them differently than they perceive themselves (Swann, 1990). Therefore, if someone perceives themselves negatively, they would be more romantically committed to a partner who also perceives them negatively rather than positively (Swann et al., 1992). I believe this theory explains why some partners stay in toxic and degrading relationships.

              Personally, self-verification resonates in my life, specifically within my romantic relationships. When I was fourteen, I had a negative view of myself. I believed I was not very smart, pretty, or popular, had horrible anxiety, and refused to go see a therapist. Then, I began to date a boy who treated me like I was not smart and believed that I needed fixing. Now that I understand the self-verification theory, I can make sense of why I stayed for months. I truly believed that he saw me accurately and that I could not do better than him. I deeply internalized his views of me and started to believe everyone saw me through the negative light I saw myself in. Therefore, I drew away from friends not wanting to be a disappointment or burden. When we finally broke up, it was blamed on my mental health and “unstableness.”

              Fast forward six years, I have developed a positive attitude about my intelligence, personality, and even body image compared to how I used to perceive myself. Additionally, I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend who shares the same perception of who I am! Because his beliefs are consistent with my own, that provides me with extra comfort on top of my positive self-perception. Consistent with the self-verification theory, it makes me a bit uncomfortable when his perception of me is higher than my own (e.g., he believes I am the smartest person he knows). It also makes me uncomfortable when my friends claim that I am more put together than they are. Although I have a fairly positive view of my attributes, I do not see myself as the smartest or as always put together and organized (even if I try to be).  Therefore, the theory of self-verification has played a role in my love life and social life because I have been committed to partners who perceive me as similar to how I perceive myself.

References

Swann, W. B., Jr. (1990). To be adored or to be known: The interplay of self-enhancement and self-verification. In R.M. Sorrentino & E.T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of motivation and cognition: Foundation of social behavior (Vol. 2, pp. 408-448). New York, Guilford Press.

Swann, W. B., Jr., Hixon J. G., La Ronde, C. (1992). Embracing the bitter “truth”: Negative self-concepts and marital commitments. Psychological Science, 3(2), 118-121.

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I have acted with honesty and integrity in producing this work and am unaware of anyone who has not. - Mara Strohl